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No clue [22 Oct 2007|05:31pm]
Why do I pretend I've got it all? I want to believe my life is as good as I say it is. And perhaps it makes things feel a little better. There's still a lot of habits I've got to get rid of and I have to start getting my act together. I need to stop making my life a joke. I'm going to be 20 in like 5 months, need to find a job, get even more focused with school, learn to be less shy with everything, and maybe get into some painting classes. Another crutial change I need to make, is to stop being so dependant on my mother. I love that woman to death and she's been nothing but a blessing. I'm so greatful for the things she's done, I beleive its time I live my life on my own terms. I have to grow up, and it starts now.

[24 Sep 2007|10:57am]
Why must I get sick so often? It really worries me. The constant sore throats, strep throat, colds, etc etc. I may need to remove my tonsils. I just hope it doesn't affect the way I'll sing once they're gone. I'm just fed up with being sick all the time.


[16 Sep 2007|11:55pm]
I could really do with a vacation away from my family. The trip to Orlando in 24 days will certainly bring me a great surge of happiness. I'll spend time with some favorite friends, enjoying each others company, to celebrate Suzy's 21st birthday.

I've been getting a lot of work from the 2 classes I've had so far this semester. My math and social skills class start next month. I'm going to be real busy acing these classes. I'm not going to be a slacker!

I've been nostalgic thinking about how I used to attend tons of shows. This fall, I'm excited to see Minus the Bear, Tegan and Sarah, The Academy Is... (for like the 5th time), The Mission Veo, and IDIOT PILOT!

And this afternoon was pretty awkward. I hate living in this jail cell. I need to find an escape.

I'm glowing [14 Sep 2007|05:50pm]
I don't think I've ever been this happy. I thought once that when I found "the one" everything would get better. I was wrong. It was naivety that caused me to fall in love. What a waste, really.

I don't need no man to be happy. I don't need a relationship right now.

First I have to work on myself. I had to find that place where I could feel safe and never be afraid to try new things. I think I've matured a lot in the past couple of months. My trip to Costa Rica has given me a new respect for everything. I've learned to greatly appreciate the things I've received in all my life. I am so happy with the family and friends God has blessed me with. I have let myself love others like I know I'd want to be loved in return. I have opened myself to new beginnings. I started school last month and I know that I can work diligently, in the end I'll feel proud of myself for getting good grades!

Why am I so happy? I believe its the fact that I've let myself do things I was afraid I couldn't do. For instance, getting back into school. For some reason, I couldn't get my lazy ass to get out and do anything about it. I didn't have any motivation to much of anything. But then I began to contemplate what my life would be if I didn't continue my education. I thought about all the things I wanted to achieve in my life. I want to perform. Sing and make music for thousands of people that can relate to my life.

My singing lessons are coming along nicely and Lida says I'm gradually ridding myself from the habit of using my throat to sing, so that I may use my diaphragm and face instead. I have a nice voice, all my friends can say that. I've got to master how to sing without hurting my throat. She tells me it'll be easier to sing with your diaphragm then when you're singing from your throat. I have to practice how to sing softly. It's not that easy to do, BUT I'll get it.

My friends... they're the world to me. I am so thankful for all of them.

Suzy: Our relationship has been like a rollercoaster full of exciting loops and turns. Some that have given us butterflies and some that have made us want to hurl. I love the fact that you are very opinionated and you always tell it how it is. Its great to have a friend like you that can give advice and always try to keep me thinking positively. We always have a splendid time together and we're the best dancers in the scene. We love our jager!!!! I love you so much Suzemuffin!

Sasha: I've known you for 5 years now and let me tell you... first impressions aren't everything. Out of all the people I've ever met, you are one of the most generous. Your heart might as well be the size of whale! We've had our fall outs and miscommunications, but at the end of it all, we're best friends. I was so pleased when you had given me the honor if being your daughter's god mother. She is the greatest kid I know. I appreciate all the things you've ever done for me. You are my sister and I love you so much. Never forget it.

Ashley: Hoe. Its strange how our friendship came about. I love how strange you are at times and how we love to eat Panera. We talk to each other like we're related, its pretty great. I love our talks about the most random shit. We haven't been friends for that long, but geez... why didn't I know you sooner!?? You my friend, are so AWESOME. I love you like a fat kid loves cake after he hits a 72oz steak!! TRASHLEY, I really hate you. HAAA

Thais: Dude, you're getting married! I really wish you would wait until you finished school but I do know you've had trouble deciding what you want to do. Anyways, you sister, are so special. I'm happy that we got to spend so much time together at concerts. I love that we always got lost going somewhere new and we somehow ALWAYS found our way miraculously. You and me had gone through a weird phase in time, pretty much my fault. I'm sorry that I ever hurt you or made you feel inferior to me. I never meant to make you feel like you weren't important to me! I love you so much and I wish you the best with Eric.

I thank all of you so much for sticking it out with me. You girls are all invidually special and I hope that you guys don't ever go away.

My puppy Charlie!

And the Orlando trip next month for Suzy's birthday. FREEDOM WEEKEND AWAY FROM MY PRISON BOX haha <3333 October 11th - 14th AND I GET TO DRIVE the rental car!

That's about it. I don't think I could ask for anything else right now. The happiness is so very overwhelming.

[25 Jul 2007|12:18pm]
I hate cowards and I have never met a guy that was as cowardly as Blake.

[21 Jul 2007|01:37am]
I made myself believe that he was going to be the one. He made me believe he'd be the one to make me feel like I was the happiest woman alive. Why did I let myself get so caught up in this fantasy world of his? In the end up, I'm left completely dumbfounded by his manner of distancing himself from me. What did I do wrong? No... what went wrong? I can't blame myself for everything. I just don't understand why he can't fucking respond to anything I have said to him since he began avoiding me. What a coward. I can't decide whether I want to hate him or always love him. I don't even know what I feel anymore. I hoped that he'd finally come around and want to call me discuss things. I have a feeling he's never going to talk to me ever again. I guess I just miss someone caring so much for me like he had. Maybe he still does love me. But how will I ever be sure?

[26 Jun 2007|09:48pm]
In my future, I want to be married with Blake (hoping things work out for us), living in California, doing what I do best.... performing, with our dogs, in a modest apartment, away from the negavity that I'm surrounded with every day of my life, living in this house.

My uncle is the biggest jerk I've ever known. My OWN family talking shit about me right to my face. He thinks I don't eat right/enough and that I don't get enough sleep. This was after I said I just wanted to work out, and to him, that's bad for ME. First of all, I eat 3 meals a day, all healthy foods. Second, just because I go to bed late, doesn't mean I'm some kind of insomniac. I get enough hours of sleep you jackass. He thinks he knows me so much. I really hate him.

I've been going through a lot lately, emotionally. I'm always focused on negative thoughts. I can't help it when my gradnparents are always down my throat, throwing negative remarks at me all the time. They are so fucking retarded I swear. They don't let my mom or I breathe. They are always wanting to know everything when we go out. They ask the most ignorant questions and always think that what they say or do really matters to us. They fucking blow. Once we move out of here, I will be in a better place. I happier place.

I'm hoping to move out of this house really soon. My mom and I have been trying so hard to find an apartment to live with her boyfriend. Its hard to find a place where we all like the area. I'm hoping for the best.

Nothing feels like home... [14 Jun 2007|03:50pm]
I cannot begin to explain how hard things have become. I'm an emotional wreck and one of these I'm gonna snap. I am really hating Miami and I am so eager to move out of Florida. I'm gonna work so hard at Miami-Dade College so I can transfer to a good school out of this state. I'm fed up with everything.

oh baby you be sweet [14 Jun 2007|11:09am]
I'm still quite overwhelmed about this relationship I have with Blake. I feel so lucky to have found someone that cares so much about me. I didn't expect for this to happen to me. So unexpected. We planned to just be friends, but our weekend together last month was the most exciting time of my life. He can say the same thing about that weekend too. It's hard to be with someone you love, with the other person living so far. I love him so much and I just hope that everything works out for us. I can't wait to see him next month. I can't wait to hold him and to kiss... to feel safe, to feel home.

So my plans for the rest of the year, school wise... I'm going to sign up for 5 classes to keep me busy. I don't want to work because I know the way I am, and I know I will not be able to handle both at the same time. I want to finish school as soon as possible and move out of this fucking state. I am really fed up with the city life. Maybe living in a completely different world, will help me mature, to broaden my mind of what life really should be about. I'm going to attend Miami Dade College to take the regular classes before I actually begin to take core classes for my major. Then I'll move out of the state!

Blake and I've discussed our plans for the future. He plans to marry if all works out. And I really hope it does. I really need to shape up my life. I still have a lot of growing up to do. In a few years, I hope that I grow more mature and can be stronger than I am right now. Living in this house is like living in a cell block. I have no freedom, no REAL life. There's just so much negativity surrounding me every minute of all my days. I wish I could run away from all this, but thats just doing things the easy way. I have no private life under this roof. I appreciate my grandparents for letting us live with them for so many years, but I'm fed up with their bullshit. I want to live and not be so fucking overprotected.

I'm glad Blake and I live in two completely different worlds. The weekend I spend with him will open me up to a whole new perpective of living. I am so sick of the life I'm living... I cannot wait for change.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry"
If you guys haven't seen the movie 'Love Story'... I strongly recommend that every single one of you does! It's the most amazing romance movie I have ever seen. It's from the 70s!!!! haha

"When the world is running down... [01 Mar 2007|08:02am]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

you make the best of what's still around."

I am going to be the happiest person ever, when I have The Police tickets in my hands Monday morning. I will die happy after seeing them play. They're coming down to Tampa in July and my mom, my uncle, and I are going!!! Dude, I can't fucking wait. When I found out... I felt my heart jump up into my throat ahaha.

lovin' life now!!!


flabbergasted [29 Jan 2007|10:20am]
It's unfortunate, how people take advantage of people they supposedly care about. Or maybe Shari didn't really care about me to begin with. If she did, she would have found some way to make things better. She is a fake and I only realized that in the end... how ugly. I will not let her petty bullshit bother me. Sleep with Kevin, do me that favor. Thanks for betraying me and losing my trust, forever. You don't deserve my friendship anyway.

So I am dreaming of golden skans from now on.

[17 Jan 2007|12:25am]
Today I was informed that I tend to be a clingy individual. Kevin told Shari the real reasons he wanted to end things with me. So I'm clingy and I get upset too easily. I'm just mad because my mom mentioned Kevin to Shari and she just told her all the things he said about me, when she could have told me herself. For my protection? I don't think so. It isn't fair to be lied to. To be told that the one you have deep feelings for, might be moving far away from you, and that you may never see that person again. I feel so betrayed. You want to be friends Kevin, how about you find a way to be real with me. Don't bullshit me or candy-coat shit just so you won't hurt my feelings. I don't want to be protected by you. PISSED OFF, but I will keep my cool.

[16 Jan 2007|01:26am]
[ mood | cranky ]

Why can't people understand the reality that I'm not perfect? It's as if everyone I know and love, expects me to be there for them all the time. It's not possible for me to attend to everyone at one time. I try my best to uphold these expectations but I cannot be miss perfect. I would love to just have a day where I could see all my friends and just have a picnic in the middle of nowhere, just talking about the most random things, listening to spell bounding music, dancing until we dropped dead asleep. One day.

Recently, I've been overwhelmed with emotions that drive me to hurt other people unintentionally. I can never muster enough patience to relax and try to resolve my unstable emotions without having to vent on other people or push other peoples' buttons.

I just don't comprehend how Kevin tries to uphold a friendship with me. Every time we cross each others paths, he just doesn't know how to act. Can't he just bury the past? I honestly don't know what he wants our of a friendship with me. When will he be leaving? Sometimes I just wish I would never see him again. Seeing him everywhere makes things so hard on me, especially because of the way he's been acting. I don't know why he makes things so awkward lately. Chongis is right, I should let this go. I can no longer try to make things work because it would just be a waste of precious time.

I miss my best friend. It's not fair that I can never spend quality time with her. Natalie, always know I'm here for you no matter what. Oh, and... your dad sucks! LOL♥


[22 Oct 2006|02:25pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

I love how most of my family is full of assholes. My uncle being the best of them all, has been shit talking me all morning... according to my mom. They give me shit for going out a lot. What do they expect from me? To stay home every waking moment just to clean the fucking house? They are fucking insane. They complain because they wish they could go out and have fun like me. My uncle, my grandma, and my grandpa have all gone fucking mad. I'M A FUCKING TEENAGER... trying to enjoy my life. I'm sorry if you guys are stressed out about bills or work, but you cannot expect me to just sit home all day just because you guys are envious. David, you are the biggest asshole I've ever met. I will never love you. Same goes for my grandmother. I do not love you. I'm sorry if this all sounds very cruel... but I honestly don't care about what hyou think. I'm fucking fed up with caring about what others have to say about me. SCREW YOU. Not everyone is perfect and my life sure isn't a fucking fairy tale. I'm done!

OH, and American Apparel finally called me back... so I have an interview tomorrow at 5:45. I hope I get the job. I need to stop depending on people as much as I do now.


[31 Aug 2006|01:38pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

I finally had my schedule for school faxed to me this morning:
CSM101 - Computer Application - Fridays: 8am to Noon
SCI210 - Environmental Science - Fridays: 1 to 5pm
MTH094 - Math - Saturdays: 8am to Noon

I'm pretty content with the schedule that I have been given. Now I have to go job hunting. I plan to work all the other days of the week when I don't have classes, except for Sunday. My mom doesn't want me to work in retail but I have to start out somewhere. So everyone, wish me luck! I am so excited to start school...


[01 Jul 2006|09:38pm]
[ mood | super di duper ]

OYE, NEVERMIND. I can't delete this shit. LIVEJOURNAL...WHY MUST I BE SO ATTACHED TO YOU?!?! fuck! ♥


[31 May 2006|12:51pm]
Bands Playing at Miami, FL on Sat June 24
Against Me
Amber Pacific
Armor For Sleep
As Cities Burn
Bouncing Souls
Catch 22
Down to Earth Approach
Everytime I Die
From Autumn to Ashes
From First to Last
Greeley Estates
Guitar Center
Gym Class Heroes
Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
Less Than Jake
Motion City Soundtrack
Over It
Plain White T's
Protest the Hero
Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Reggie and the Full Effect
Rise Against
Rock Hard Power Spray
Saves The Day
Saves The Day (Acoustic)
Senses Fail
Senses Fail (Acoustic)
State Radio
The Academy Is..
The Bled
The Casualties
The Fully Down
The Smashup
Valient Thorr
We are the Fury

I'm excited!

[08 May 2006|03:18pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I think it would be best if I permanently deleted this journal. No one reads it, and if they do...they don't comment. I just will stop updating this thing one day...

Anyways...5 days until graduation. =] yippie


this is not the way, it should be. [18 Jan 2006|09:53pm]
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

give them a listen please.

Theyre really nice guys, let me tell youuuuuuu

[23 Nov 2005|09:47pm]
Sometimes I just wish I was like in 3rd grade.
I want to go back in time...
A time in my life when I had no interest in finding love.
Love...what is it anyways?
It used to be just a word...but
now...it's more than that.

Anyways...today I went shopping with my mom and I had a good time.
Tomorrow = Turkey Day!
Everyone have a good time &&
be happy that you have food to eat.
Some people don't get to eat...
that's so sad.


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